Breaking The Silence
One Local Woman Speaks Out About Narcissistic Abuse
Sasha Bush
The Ashland Beacon
Abuse is described as “the cruel and violent treatment of a person or animal, the improper use of something, or treating a living soul with cruelty or violence,” according to the Oxford English Dictionary. Be it physical or emotional abuse, the result is the same… abuse in any form or fashion can leave its victims with wounds that may never heal. Abuse often creates an echo effect that trickles down the family line like that of a rock being tossed across a pond.
Verbal abuse is the most common form of emotional abuse, but it is often unrecognized because it may be very subtle and sneaky. The words can be so sharp, yet be said in such a loving, quiet, and indirect way. It is often simply dismissed or meant as a mere joke. This is what narcissism is all about.
Narcissism is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser only cares about his/her own well-being and may use words or actions to manipulate others behavior in such a way that it grants them control over their emotional state. The effects of narcissistic abuse can vary depending on how long an individual can endure this type of relationship. Living under the rule and thumb of a narcissist cannot only affect your life but those around you as well. Narcissistic abuse can bring about side effects that may include anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress, loss of sense of self and self-worth, headaches, body aches, difficulty sleeping, short-term memory loss, mood swings, and depersonalization.
For most narcissistic abusers, their main goal is to isolate you from your friends, family, and even your own children, so that you feel the only one you have on your side is the one who is causing you the most harm. By isolating and pushing those who truly love and care away, the abuser is able to convince the victim that no one will ever love or be there if he/she leaves the abusive relationship.
Being a victim of narcissistic abuse growing up, I had come to believe that this type of behavior was normal…that it was somehow warranted because of my own behaviors and shortcomings, and that I indeed was all alone with no one to depend on but my own abuser. For 18 years, I endured the emotional turmoil that was my day-to-day life. Finally, I decided that enough was enough, and I left in the dead of night on All Hallows Eve, of all nights. I had escaped the confines of my own personal prison, but unfortunately, I didn’t realize that all I had really accomplished was escaping one bad situation and getting into another. Only this time, it was with someone my own age.
Sadly, this is the case for most people who have grown up experiencing any type of abuse. Growing up and living it, you begin to believe that this is the norm, and you unknowingly find yourself drawn to people who are similar to your abuser. What many victims of narcissistic abuse don’t often realize is that abuse is often learned, so those who abuse you have more than likely been abused and have just carried on the perverse tradition.
I am here to tell you firsthand that this vicious cycle is meant to be broken. You are not alone as your abuser would have you believe. There are millions out in the world just like you… just like me… who are willing and ready to speak out against narcissistic abuse. It’s time to break the silence!
Sierra Gwen Hayes is the Adult, Children, and Substance Abuse Case Manager for Mountain Comprehensive Care Center. She has recently formed a support group called “Breaking the Silence” to raise awareness of different types of abuse and allow its members to be heard. “Breaking the Silence hopes to provide support to those who need it most and to help victims of narcissistic abuse or any form of abuse to understand that it is okay and healthy to walk away or set boundaries. Learning to love toxic people from a distance will allow peace in your life. Although, taking these steps is hard…until you get to that “I’M DONE” point, it will become easier to move on.” explained Hayes.
Hayes shared what exactly led her to create this group, “I am a survivor of this type of abuse and have struggled with feeling alone. When in reality, we discovered so many others in our community have survived similar experiences, and some are still learning how to break free and set boundaries. My sister and I have endured 30-plus years of what we thought would bring us down, but with an enormous amount of support, we have become aware of how to cope. We are standing strong, and we are speaking out. We want others to know that they are not alone.”
Narcissism affects nearly 48% of the US population, and many don’t even realize they are in an abusive relationship. Hayes shared a few common misconceptions about narcissistic abuse:
“It’s not physical, so it’s not abuse, right? FALSE! It is definitely a form of mental and emotional abuse.
You grew up in a perfect wonderful household with the perfect family. FALSE! You grow up with a manipulative person, who has complete control, chaos, and lies. Everything bad was hidden, the perfect family that your abuser would have you believe that you had is actually a FAKE family.
The narcissist just can’t help his/her actions… it’s just who he/she is. FALSE! He/she is very aware of right and wrong, but he/she is such a nice person sometimes. Yes, sure when he/she doesn’t feel threatened, competitive, entitled, or not the center of attention.”
It’s so easy to fall into the tangled web of abuse unable to find a way out of the web’s sticky grasp. It doesn’t have to be that way; you are not alone! There are others out there just like you who are ready and willing to not only share their stories but to help you overcome your circumstances. Please seek help if you or someone you know are the victims of narcissistic abuse. Check out Hayes’ group, “Breaking the Silence,” as a great first step to going from victim to survivor.
The group is currently located online and on Facebook. Hayes declared, “The group has no certain times. This is mainly just an open group where members can come together to support each other while they heal. We want this to be a safe place for discussions, testimonies, and sharing stories. We want every member to have validation and be free from judgment.”